Spring Break

Happy New Year!

Well it’s almost a quarter through this year and I haven’t blogged, wow that’s got to be a record for me. Not even a stupid poem, nothing. I think I’m going to put it down to just being really busy, which is very boring and tedious so I’ll stop going on about it. I can’t even remember what my last blog was, so if you give me a second I’ll go and read it and come back…

God, my blogs are hard work, I like to go on about myself. I empathise  with you all, but I have to get this stuff out of my very ginger head somehow. I’ve been meeting with a writing tutor to discus my writing and ideas for my next book and we both agreed it would probably be beneficial for me to write something, anything.

Was just a few weeks post op last time out, needless to say lots has happened since then – if you follow me on twitter you’ll probably know what that is.  Most significant development I’d say is that Speedflex have agreed to sponsor me up until the Rio Paralympics and also give me full use of their facilities at their centre  in Jesmond. To say I’m pleased with this agreement is an understatement, to have this support up to what could well be my last Paralympic games is an enormous boost and means I can well and truly concentrate on making the best of myself for these next 3-4 years.

It’s difficult to explain effectively what Speedflex is, basically it’s a training system where you can do resistance training at high or low intensity without any major impact on your joints and muscles. When they first told me I could work out as hard as I could and wouldn’t be sore in the morning, I just laughed as I didn’t believe it – But it’s true! Was very hard for me to get my head round because I’m an old-school athlete – well, just old – who think pain is a sign of hard work in the gym, so I was waking up in the morning thinking I hadn’t worked hard enough. The easiest way to explain what Speedflex is, is to show people, so here are a couple of videos of me training on the machines – notice my quality tunes in the background.

The training has been superb though, and it’s just what I needed to get over my operation and build up strength without the risk of injury that comes with lifting weights in the gym. It has been a major factor in my super-quick recovery from an operation that had a projected rehabilitation period of 6-12 months. At the beginning of this month my consultant gave me the all clear to resume full training and start throwing, just 5 months post op. It’ s unbelievable and testament to the fantastic  support I’ve had. Anything that happens this year is a bonus as we didn’t know if I would be able to throw this year, now I’m competing in a few weeks time and trying to qualify for the World Championships in July. Getting into the team for the world championships will be a tough ask but I know I’m taking no risks so it’s worth going for.

The man behind Speedflex is Graham Wylie and he made one of my dreams come true last week as he gave me tickets to his box at Cheltenham for Gold Cup day. I’m bang into horse racing and have always loved the Cheltenham Festival, it is the World Cup and Olympics of  horse racing with the Gold Cup being the showcase race contested by the best chasing horses in the world. Graham’s box was in perfect position right on the finish and next to the judges room incase a stewards inquiry was need. No such worries for me though as for the first time ever I back four winners in one meeting, OK they were all favourites but you still have to back them.

They paraded one of my sporting heroes Kauto Star before the race and he got the reception he deserved following retirement – I do think it’s a bit cruel to make probably the greatest jumps horse do dressage mind, just  let  him get lazy fat and old like most retired sports people – I actually think he fancied a  run round as he was on his toes, probably could’ve placed too. He wouldn’t have beat Bob’s Worth though, I’ve fancied him for the Gold Cup since he won in January beating Tidal Bay and he ran like a dream even avoiding a horse that fell infront of him, I could see him winning the next 2 or 3 renewals. Was a great day and experience, the racecourse is huge and the number of people there was overwhelming at times but I’d love to go back again. Trouble is, now I’ve been in a box I’ll want that treatment again.

Problems

In these cold tentacles of winter,
prodding at nerves,
pinching each curve,
annoying little electrodes.
Long,
dark, veiled periods
shroud our thoughts.

We’ve all got problems,
they can destroy minds,
they can decay times.
Only if we let them.

In the colours of Christmas,
life seems to stop,
warmth engulfs us through giving.
Stop. Refresh. Go.Live.

Taking

The giving is relentless, at times.
We give so much.
Sometimes it seems endless,
this giving,
and simply to get to the next day.

Who takes it though?
You breathe in and exhale,
you are alive!
How complex we have become,
with chemical reactions we hardly recognise or
can comprehend.
We bubble away behind the scenes
and no-one knows, no-one ever knows.
It’s all about angles, this life,
a degree out means strife
feels like being stabbed with a knife.

————–

I wrote this little poem earlier this year, I never posted it because even I didn’t get it. I’m not sure I get it now but I think it shows some of the inner turmoil I was experiencing through training so hard and going through so much pain to be able to throw a stick far enough to be competitive at the Paralympics. I guess we all endure hardships to get what we want in life, that’s what keeps the world and modern society going. I wouldn’t describe the London Paralympics as a hardship, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life and I believe I was part of an historic event that will transform Paralympic sport. However the year or so up to the Paralympic games was a hardship both physically and mentally, but in a way it’s quite liberating to think I came through it and stayed true to my goals and aspirations, when it would’ve been quite acceptable for me to quit at many points along the way.

I’m now 5 weeks post op following my much needed hip replacement surgery on the 4th October at the BMI Meriden Hospital in Coventry, and the hardest part of my rehab so far has been getting used to having no pain when I move – its weird.

I had a crack team of surgeons, my consultant Professor Damian Griffin is quite a celebrity in medical terms and has operated on Geordie legend Shola Ameobi in the past; Pedro Feget who is a Barcelona fan is building his own impressive reputation and he carried out the hip replacement. Last but not least, Stephen Cooke who is doing wonders in operating on young people with cerebral palsy, carried out muscle and tendon releases on my upper left leg, and also made my removable double-leg brace complete with broom handle to keep my legs apart – arguably this was harder work for Stephen than doing the operation.

The surgery went very well, all 3 surgeons said everything they tried worked first time. I was told the operation could last 9 hours, but it ended up being about 6 hours, which is a good job because I lost a quarter of my blood. So I wasn’t too clever when I returned to the ward and looked like death warmed up understandably. Unfortunately for my brother he’d driven down from Newcastle after work and arrived just as I got back from theatre – he then fainted and hit the deck as Damian was explaining what they’d done to me.

My hip was a lot worse than the surgeons expected, they said for my age it was one of the worst they’d seen, more like a 70 year old’s hip. I had asked if I could keep the ball because I though it might make a good paperweight or something, but they chucked it away as it was covered in cysts, it was also shaped like a kidney bean. One of the most remarkable things they discovered was that my psoas muscle (hip flexor) had become so tight it had dug an inch groove into my hip bone. The surgeons didn’t know how I threw at all with my hip in that state – I could say here that I barely did throw in London – yes, I think I will say that here. At least I can have a slight excuse for throwing rubbish.

I’m well into my rehab now, I was cycling just 5 days after my operation which amazed me as much as anyone else. I haven’t been able to cycle for over 3 years and it feels so good to be able to do it again. The main objective of this operation was to stop the pain and anything else was a bonus – since the operation Pedro has given me a gold medal objective to get back walking again. Anyone who knows me knows I need goals to function, and just having this goal is an achievement in itself. I can’t thank the staff at the hospital enough for their fantastic care, and I now have a very really chance of continuing my career and getting back to the distances I was throwing before my hip problems started in 2006. Which was always Professor Griffin’s intention, I have to take it slow and do it properly though, it will be 6 months to get my hip in shape to throw, but I don’t throw in the winter so that’s no big deal.

I  have to thank UK Athletics, UK Sport and the BOA for funding my surgery and enabling me to have the best team to do it. I have been supported through the National Lottery for 12 years and I know how lucky and privileged I’ve been, unfortunately UK Athletics have decided not to continue my funding after this year. Usually when athletes are injured they are excused a bad performance and given another year of funding to get over their injury, however I’ve not been so lucky. I have to move on, it’s disappointing and nobody has a divine right to be on the World Class Performance Programme, I still believe I have a future in sport, so I am now looking for sponsors to help me continue to train to the same level and get back to winning medals for Great Britain. Anyone interested in working with me and helping me on the road to Rio please email hailfabio@hotmail.com.

I thank you please.

So Sorry It’s Over

Sorry for posting the above video again but it’s the best contribution I made to the London 2012 Paralympic Games so I have to milk it for all its worth.

Well what can I say about that then? Quite a lot actually and I will attempt to bore you half to death in the next minute or so that it takes you to skim down this blog post (it’s a long one so hang in there). It’s a week since I took part in the heroes parade and I can safely say it was the most astonishing thing I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve done my fair share of victory parades – in 2004 I shared a float with the soon to be Dame Kelly Holmes and I also had some bling to show off. It was nothing compared to last Monday though, the vast crowds stretched as far back as you could see and the energy from the crowd was immense. Everyone just wanted to show how proud they were of this Great British team that competed so well in their home games.

In the morning I was wondering if I’d made the right decision to stay and take part in the parade, feeling a bit fraudulent at my lack of personal glory to show off and celebrate, but the crowd cheered whether you showed them something shiny or not. The positivity around London holding such a successful games was infectious and to be part of that special moment as we went through Trafalgar Square is something that will stay with me for life – I don’t think we’ll see such scenes again.

It’s been over 2 weeks since I entered the Olympic stadium and still the thought of it makes me sick. Normally after even the slightest below par performance I tear myself to bits in the days and weeks to come, but I haven’t done that this time. I think I’m too heartbroken this time, it’s a weird empty feeling that took over as soon as I left the cage that fateful Friday morning. I normally rise to a challenge, to the big day but for the first time I ducked out miserably when it meant so much to me, and there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it.

Did I let the occasion get to me? Did the noise from the crowd effect me? Did I want it too much? Probably yes, but the reality is that I have been struggling for a long time and haven’t been truly happy with myself since 2010 in terms of training and how I felt in my throwing. The dream was to compete at the London 2012 Paralympic Games and to be competitive, broken hip or not. We achieved it and I have never worked harder up to any other championship, I was probably in the best physical shape of my life but my body wouldn’t allow me to get near my potential – that is more frustrating than you can ever imagine and I’ve had to deal with that frustration for the best part of 3 years.

I have no regrets, people might now say I should’ve had the hip replacement 2 years ago. I made the decision to hold off for London, knowing the pain I would have to go through and knowing I would probably not be able to throw to my true potential. I qualified for the team legitimately, following up my world championship bronze performance with two 30+ metre performances this year and also winning the European Championships. For the first time though I went into a major championships a bit behind and knowing I needed to find something to get amongst the medals. I was ranked 5th going into the competition and was targeting 32-33 metres to win a medal, I had thrown this far in training albeit not consistently in the week leading up. In the end I would have needed to put 32cm on my personal best to get bronze (36.32m) and I know I wasn’t fit enough to do that.

The class 51s took everyone by surprise, I think they all threw PBs or SBs and I got beat on distance by the gold and silver medallists, which is ridiculous. When the first athlete to throw broke the World  Record with his first throw I said ‘Shit, here we go’. The 51 class hasn’t progressed for many years so I guess they were due a day like that. As it turned out 32.50 metres would’ve put me 4th and my season’s best would’ve put me 7th (30.71m). Little consolation then. With 9 class 32s and 8 class 51s in the competition I’ll never understand why it was combined but hopefully it will be separated in future as there are now plenty of athletes in each class on the rankings.

I don’t think I will ever get over my performance of 26.70m, my worst performance this year (and that includes throwing into a gale at Gateshead) – it was an absolute shocker of monumental terms, I really can’t say anything positive about it apart from I did get two throws measured at exactly the same distance – impressive! I’ve given up trying to explain it, I don’t think we’ll ever know what really happened, I felt fine in warm up if a bit nervous. It will have to go down as a freak bad day, I haven’t had many in 17 years of competing at the highest level, just sods law it happened in London. I hate saying this because its so cliché but I felt so sorry for my long suffering coach (mam) who put so much time and effort into getting me to London and had me throwing really well in Portugal, I was so sad I didn’t put in a performance that did justice to all the hard work and heart ache. Same goes to my fiancé Rachel who did a sterling job organising tickets and the Team Miller t-shirts.

Then in my deepest sorrow after my competition I experienced my most special moment of any Paralympic Games, I met the majority of Team Miller in Olympic Park along with hundreds of random punters who encircled me and chanted ‘There’s only one Stephen Miller’, I was almost embarrassed but the next two hours of taking pictures and chatting to everyone, I realised how excited they were to be at the Paralympics and that they would never have had the experience had I been sitting at home watching it on TV. Thank you to everyone who was part of team miller, you all made me feel so humble – there was one member missing on the day, my dad, who if we could send stuff up-stairs would’ve been wearing a Team Miller t-shirt, moaning about how uncomfortable it was and shouting ‘What the **** is he playing at!’ at me. My dad was a major inspiration for me to continue competing with my hip problem, I know how much pain he went through as he battled his bowel cancer and I knew if he could be that strong and dignified in the face of death I could cope with some pain in my left hip.

There are lots of people and organisations who have been integral to my achievements to date and especially to my ability to compete this year. UK Sport and UK Athletics have funded me since 2000 and have been brilliant in supporting me and my coach up to London 2012. Grainger PLC have sponsored me for two years and provided great support when Rach and I moved into our bungalow, they also made up a substantial part of Team Miller. Mannatech have provided my sport nutrition supplements since 2009 and have made a big difference in keeping me healthy. Meyra supplied me with a new electric wheelchair and sports clothing prior to London 2012 and continue to give great support. Sainsbury’s were the fantastic sponsor of the Paralympic Games and I’m proud to be one of their ambassadors. The Unit Gym through the Outdoor Fitness Company have helped me with personal training since last year and have given me a new lease of life with S&C. BVAL Arts & Leisure continue to give me full access to their facilities to supplement my training. Through the EIS I receive great medical support from my Physio Penny Macutkiewics (The Perf0rmance Clinic), my soft tissue therapist Amy Woolstenholmes and my doctor Graeme Wilkes who has had the glorious task of injecting me every 3 months for the last 3 years. Also a huge shout out to my chiropractor Andy Maier (Think Chiropractic) who has been treating me for the last five years. Finally thanks to Tharsus who helped develop a new throwing frame that didn’t quite work out for London but might be the bomb when I get my new hip.

London was my first major championship outside the medals in my whole career, it would be easy to be bitter and twisted about the whole thing but I remain philosophical and look to the positives. This was the best Paralympics in history and propelled Paralympic sport to a level we could only imagined beforehand, to be a part of that and to be the Male Athletics Team Captain was an honour I cannot put into words. To lead such a young team that did so well made me feel very proud. We now must maintain the excitement and interest around Paralympic sport throughout the next four years and not let it die out until Rio. I still have many issues with classification in athletics and the ethos around seated throws but that can wait for another blog. For now I’m preparing for my total hip replacement which I’m having on the 4th of October, then I start the long journey back to fitness. Being pain free for the first time in just about 6 years will make everything easy to take on though I’m sure.

They Say Only Dreams Can Save Us

Above is a video by channel 4 which is based on the poem below. Channel 4 asked me to write a poem about the London 2012 games, I had a day to produce something and whilst nursing a hangover I came up with these words – hope you like them.

 

They say only dreams can save us,
emerging from the bowels of historic venues
every athlete was held in the eye
of this dream’s storm.
For a moment at least.

The 2012 version of a four-yearly
collision of nations, sports and abilities
was to be the games to end all games.
But in a year when the world was to end
a games was reborn in the country of its birth – the Paralympic games.

Excitement raged throughout,
as an electric current ran constantly,
lighting all athletes plugged into it.

The roars.
Could be heard for miles
fearsome, hard and united,
they would erupt sporadically
like volcanoes of noise
from the packed out venues.

For the athletes,
they tingled in fairy-dust atmospheres,
that were impossible to comprehend.
A crowd. And cheers.
Will I ever feel like this again?

When the paralympic mist descends
worlds can end, 4 years work
gone in a second.
Anyone can fail,
anyone can prevail.
Records tumbled and medals fumbled
into pockets and bags
going to their proud new homes.

Once more
the boundaries to what is perceived possible
were pushed out a little further.
People watched. Oh yes did they watch.
Millions were challenged in ways they never have before
and they liked it.
We are limited only by our imaginations
and the Paralympic games is a playground
for the imagination.

Heroes give people hope
a whole new generation has new heroes
and new hope.
Life can be cruel, life can be harsh
life is not perfect,
but there is always a way when the will is strong.

London was the backdrop
but the athletes took centre stage.
The superhumans.
Now they head west
seeking new boundaries to break.
The dream is real
and it is alive.

copyright Stephen Miller 2012

Disclaimer- Individual use welcome, please contact me if you wish to use in publications. Basically, don’t take the micky.

Mines a Treble Treble

Mega sorryness and remorse for the lack of blogging. Have been busy winning my 3^rd European club throw title and trying to qualify for my 5^th Paralympic Games. It’s always a nerve wrecking time when Paralympic team selection looms and this time was more tense than any other games I’ve gone for because it is in London and because of the strength and depth of disability athletics in the last few years – the standards required to get into the team were incredibly high, lots of very good athletes didn’t get in and my thoughts go out to them at this tough time.

I’m extremely proud that I’ve been selected for my 5^th Paralympic Games, many people said it was never in doubt, but I don’t take anything for granted and until I got that phone call I had a very twitchy bum. I’ve had to work harder and overcome more obstacles to get to these games, there have been many periods when I really thought I would not get to this position and that makes it all the more satisfying. I of course take all the adulation and am happy to do so, but it goes without saying that many people have been instrumental in this campaign and my success is shared with them. Getting this far is fantastic but only the beginning, now we move on and ensure the most is made of this opportunity. Who would have thought a skinny ginger kid from Newcastle would be going into a 5^th Paralympic Games looking to maintain an (we all know it’s true) unbeaten record, I plan to do so with passion, determination and enjoyment.

Prior to selection I travelled to Holland to defend my European title. I know that I was away when the infamous Geordie storm hit Newcastle, but the weather wasn’t much better the day I competed. There was already a horrendous head wind to throw into, and as soon as I got a club in my hand the heavens opened. I thought my first throw was going to come back and hit me in the back of the head, when the distance came up as 23 metres something I was worried, but I managed to dig deep and get to 29.10 metres somehow and I was more than happy to take that given the conditions (not the first time I’ve said that this season). The competition was strong even with only 4 in it, two guys were capable of 30m plus but the conditions got to them more than me so I’m hoping it’s just as terrible in London on the 31^st of August. A win is a win no matter how far you throw and it was a great moment to be on top of the podium at a major championships for the first time since 2006. It also completed a treble treble for me of 3 Paralympic, 3 World and 3 European titles without defeat.

The self-honouring stops now as we now enter the final few weeks before the Paralympics. It seems completely surreal that there are only 40 days to go, and it’s going very quick. Now is the time when every session is massively important, I’m focussed on nailing everything to the ground (not literally) and raising the quality of my work as high as it will go. All the people I meet are mega-excited and I feel that excitement but I need to stay calm and get my work done effectively. 

This Paralympic games will be different to all the rest I’ve been to because it’s the first time my dad won’t be there supporting. No doubt this will be an emotional time for me and my family – it always is at the Paralympics, but this time will be more than ever. Knowing my dad, he would not want me to get upset at his absence, he would tell me to do my best and he’d be proud whatever happens. I think this is a good mentality to take into the games. I want to perform to my maximum potential but I also want to enjoy the experience of this historic Paralympic Games.

 

The Games

When the mist descends
Worlds can end
Anyone can fail
Anyone can prevail
Years later when we tell the tale
We’ll hardly believe it was true
It was, and it was all you.

Ginger Biscuits

It’s been a mega busy few weeks, I’ve squeezed 3 competitions into four weeks. Now I said we would never do what we did last year and chase competitions hoping that things will get better. Last year I competed more than ever before, so this year we had a clear competition plan up to the European Championships, which is to be my last competition before the Paralympic games (if selected). As with all good plans they have to be flexible and we did fit in an extra competition to coincide with a trip to Coventry to speak with my consultant about my hip operation.

The last time I blogged I had done a competition at Gateshead which nearly left me with pneumonia and I was about to compete at Stoke Mandeville. That competition was hugely frustrating as I threw 28.54 metres and in training I’d been throwing much further. It’s very unusual for me to throw less in competition than in training as it’s normally the other way round. It’s an obvious case of trying to hard in the competition and tightening up rather than letting it happen. As an athlete you always want to be the best you can be and when you’re below your expectations it can be maddening, especially when you know how hard you work, but performance sport is all about performance and results, you don’t get points for how hard you work. After performances like this I say things to myself like ‘not good enough’, ‘got to do better’, ‘useless ginger biscuit’ etc, then I get over it and move on.

The opportunity to compete at Birmingham came up in the England Athletics national championships. It was the day after my consultation with professor Griffin in Coventry. Mr Griffin has been brilliant with me since I was referred to him in 2009, I have complete in him – I walked in the door, he looked me in the eye and asked ‘is it hurting?’, I said ‘yes, pretty much all the time’ and he said ‘I think it’s time’. I agreed and I’ll be having hip replacement surgery in October/November this year, with the main aim being to make me pain free and comfortable, then we’ll take it from there – I don’t think this will necessarily be the end of my athletics career. At the competition I threw 28.36 and was screaming ‘you useless ginger biscuit at myself. The feeling of frustration was even more because I was sure I’d improve on last time, again I was trying too hard to get it right. With throwing it just takes one thing to click and you can be flying, we know I’m in great shape physically and it’s just timing that is off – plus I’m try to smack the club all over like a drunken man. Maybe I should take it out to dinner and buy it flowers, then it might go further.

Last week I competed at Stoke Mandeville again, we’d made some slight tweaks to the frame and it seemed to work as I threw a seasons best by over 2 metres of 30.57, it was a massive relief to get over 30 metres for the first time this year and it will give me a lot of confidence going forward. I still feel like I didn’t nail any of my throws so I know there’s still a lot more in the tank. If I can keep improving I should be up to a decent standard by the end of August. Right now I’m fully focussed on the European Championships in Holland where I compete a week on Monday. Then it’s all about team selection for the Paralympics, I’ve never taken anything for granted in my whole career so team selection is always a nervous time.

You have probably noticed that the Olympic torch is doing the rounds at the moment, I have to say that I don’t really agree with all these celebrities doing it, when it should be about the volunteers and supporters that don’t get much publicity and recognition. The torch gives these people the chance to take centre stage and be part of history, like everything though it’s been taken over by corporate agendas to generate publicity and money, but I guess that’s the world we live in.

I nominated my brother because he has supported me throughout my career and shared in all my successes without ever being bitter or jealous. He’s volunteered at events I’ve been at and has been sort of in my shadow, he deserved to be the centre of attention for once. We had a fantastic day on the coast at Whitley Bay, the crowd was amazing and made it a great day and it made you feel part of something special. That is what the torch relay is all about – not token celebrities.